Step Two: Learn to start conversations on a positive note. In these times when we’re usually in a hurry and have too much on our agendas, it’s easy to forget to start a conversation with someone by emphasizing the positive. For example, if your brother hasn’t returned your phone calls in a week and you’re worried about him, it’s not uncommon to start the conversation when you do finally reach him with, “You never return phone calls. What’s the matter with you? Don’t you care about your family? What’s going on?” Chances are, this would put him on the defensive and not accomplish what you were hoping for, which was an emotional connection with your brother. Instead, expressing what you’re really feeling has a better chance of meeting both your needs and your brothers, “I’ve been really worried about you. I like it when we can speak more often. How are you?”

As you increase your awareness of this skill, it is alright to go back to someone and let them know you would like to start the conversation over again. This typically works best with family members or trusted work friends. It is particularly good for children to see that you can admit mistakes and care enough about them to try again. Saying something like, “I’m sorry I sounded so angry about your grades the other day. What I really wanted was to talk about how you’re doing and see what I can do to help. Let’s make a time to talk about that.”