John Gottman, Ph.D. in his book The Relationship Cure, discusses 6 habits people can fall in to that interfere with good communication. Jot these 6 areas down in your agenda, stick them on your refrigerator or anywhere that you will see them throughout the day. For 3 – 4 days, at the end of each day, write down how often you found yourself falling in to one of these bad habits. In the next section, we will talk about how to overcome these relationship obstacles, but first become aware of the bad habits:

Being Mindless rather than Mindful. This means not paying attention to the emotional needs of those around you. Often you notice this based on the outcome of the conversation. If you find yourself falling in to a cycle of criticism and defensiveness with a friend or co-worker, you were probably not tuned in to their emotional needs.

Starting on a Sour Note. This one is just like it sounds. It refers to those times when we start a conversation with an accusation or negative remark. For example, if you start conversations with supervisors, supervisees or coworkers with a criticism you will strain the relationship.

Using harmful criticism instead of helpful cooperation. If you must criticize then be sure to offer a helpful alternative and offer to help create a more positive outcome.

Flooding. Flooding happens when you are already feeling tense or stressed and a conflict with your spouse, coworker or even child triggers an intense emotional reaction. Your heart pounds, your palms get sweaty, you feel cornered, and your mind races with defensive thoughts like, “ I have to get out of this. I just can’t take it anymore”. When you feel like this, the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation and take a break. You won’t really be listening to what the other person is saying anyway so you won’t be able to have a good communication until you are feeling more relaxed.

Practicing a Crabby Habit of Mind. Making crabbiness a habit interferes with both your health and your relationships. This happens when you start looking at the negative in everything. Rather than notice that your neighbor planted new flowers, you notice that he hasn't mowed his lawn.

Avoiding the Conversation you need to have. Often times the communication problem is a lack of communication. When this is happening you may find yourself telling your spouse about problems with your boss, telling your friends about problems with your spouse, or telling your mother about problems with your sister, but not talking to the person you are having the problems with.

Now let's turn to overcoming these obstacles.