Step Three: Use helpful complaints instead of criticism in times of conflict. Some conflict is inevitable in all human relationships. However, how you express yourself can make the difference between an interaction that enhances a relationship and one that tears it down. Criticism is blaming, typically global involving comments like "you always" or "you never", and attacks the other person's character with name calling or negative labels. A complaint, on the other hand, should focus on a specific problem and should look at behaviors rather than people.

For example, "This house is a mess. You are so lazy." is criticism. "This house is a mess. I thought you were going to get started picking it up when you got home." is a complaint. John Gottman presents 3 tips for good complaining.

State your needs without attacking or blaming the other person.

Examples: Criticism -"What’s the matter with you? All you ever think about is golf. You never think about me and the kids." Complaint - "I need your help with the kids on the weekends. But for the past three Saturdays, you’ve been playing golf."

Describe your side as your perception, not "the absolute truth."

Examples: Criticism -"People who don’t respond to their e-mail are not team players. Everybody knows you should treat e-mail like a phone call." Complaint - "When you don’t respond to my e-mail, I feel like you don’t care about our project."

Focus on specific behavior, not global judgments.

Examples: Criticism - "You’re always so cold to me." Complaint - "At night, when I try to snuggle with you, I can feel your body get tense."