Most of the time, to get what you want or need, you have to ask. But asking can be difficult, especially during times of stress or crisis. Although it is true that assertiveness can be thought of as insistent or demanding, being appropriately assertive involves making requests that are clear and not aggressive. Here are some ways to make requests so that people you are in relationships with will know what you need - whether in times of stress or just everyday.

• Make your request clear: Although we may want to assume that our partner or close friends are mind readers and "should" know what you need from them, most people are just not that good at it. Instead, assume that the person you're speaking with has no idea what it is you want or need. Ask for what you want clearly and fully in a respectful way. A "formula" some people find helpful is, "I'm feeilng ____ because ____and I would like it if you would ____________."

For example, if you are having a difficult time at work and you would just like for your partner to listen and not tell you what to do about it, you could say, "I'm feeling really overwhelmed at work because of all of the layoffs. I know when you give me advice you are just trying to help, but I would really like it if you would just let me vent and listen but not tell me what I should do. Just give me a hug."

• Be aware that how you feel influences how you sound. If you are angry, your words may come across as accusing and make it hard for the othe person to listen. Being aware of how you are feeling helps you to acknowledge it and helps you to diffuse it so that you can communicate more clearly.

For example, if you are feeling really angry at something and want to tell a friend about it, you may preface it with, "I'm feeling really angry right now but it's not at you. I just need to tell you about it and I would like to hear your thoughts on it."

Learning to communicate requests clearly helps to increase your sense of self worth and confidence and contributes to a sense of optimism and happiness by helping to enhance your relationships and get your needs met.

Click below to learn about setting specific goals for yourself to increase your emotional resilience.